OK, I'm a little stressed... to put it mildly that is. I start my treatment in 2 days, so I'm freaking out. I almost wish it had been something where they diagnose you and bam you are in treatment. All this waiting around is making me go insane!
The more time that goes by, the more crap I read on the Internet. Sure its a great fountain of information, but i am thinking that maybe there is too much information out there. I have joined a couple for forums, which are great, they really are, don't get me wrong. But one of them really gets to me some days. I am just started out on this "adventure?" and there are so many unknowns in my future. Then I hop over to the message boards to see whats going on and the reality of what could happen jumps out at me. People who lost their fight with this stupid disease, people who relapse, have complications... it goes on and on... and frankly it scares the shit out of me.
I have now tried to start picking and choosing which posts I read, but its hard. I am very curious by nature and like to know everything going on... this does not help with the stress of my situation!
Its hard to believe I feel like this now when I haven't even started treatment... how will I feel during? After? What the hell does the future actually hold for me?
Sometimes the anger comes out. My wonderful family Dr. tells me that is good. She would be worried if I had no emotions at this point in my life... since we have come to the conclusion I am a very emotional person (might not have been suffering depression after all!!) So I guess it is OK to be angry, sad, frustrated... and so on...
But why do I feel I always need to happy mask on? I am not at all pleased about this current situation, but will try to pretend I am... now I wonder for whose benefit? Mine? My family's? My friends?
I DON'T KNOW!!!
Yep, I'm STRESSED !
Just remembered you were having your first chemo tomorrow, and wanted to send you best wishes. I don't know why, but I always feel like a mother hen when I know there's someone just starting chemo. Do let us know if you have any side effects that worry you. Many of us have been there, done that (and in spite of it all we're still doing OK). :)
ReplyDeleteTake care,
Lee (aka sonoran on forums.lymphoma.com)
PS - I'll be 2 days behind you, with my treatment #9 this Friday. It does become pretty routine once you've done it a few times and know what to expect.
Thinking of you today!! I just want you to know that I feel the exact same way about the forums and all the information out there. I only let myself go onto the forums sometimes, but I have banned myself from being on there everyday! It got really hard for me to handle as well. Your hair looks awesome by the way!
ReplyDeleteJodi